A couple of beers slid towards Sean on the bar. He grabbed one and drank it down. He slid the empty glass back towards the bartender.
“That’s how you do it.” Nick said.
Nick was Sean’s roommate and a rugby player. He never played, but he had that mentality. He grabbed his beer and drank it down. He slid the glass next to Sean’s and held two stubby fingers up at the bartender. She scowled.
“Oh, come now, love. We’re having a good time.” She grabbed the glasses and turned away.
“Think she likes me?” Sean asked.
“Yeah, look at her. That nasty look she’s got on her face just means that she fancies you.” He paused to wave at a girl passing behind him. “I bet I could I could take her home, though. They love an Englishman. It’s so easy to chat ‘em up over here.”
Nick had moved to the U.S. from Manchester two months ago. He had never slept at home on a weekend. It was a Friday night.
“Hey, there’s plenty of women here for you, though. Just look at the one by herself in the corner with the wonky eye.”
Two beers came back to Sean and Nick and they both grabbed them up. Sean turned in his chair to survey the whole place. It was one of those joint bar/grill type places that you can get a drink but not get too rowdy at. Nick was getting close to pissing some people off.
“Looking for you mum? Me too.”
He was getting close to pissing some people off.
“How many women have you slept with, Nick?”
“Total? Or since I been in your country?”
“I don’t care.”
“Well, lost it when I was sixteen, done it with a couple girls at school. Two from work, three from the pubs, one right before I left, and five since I got here,” he said. He smiled and winked at a girl sitting in the smoking section. He usually got with a smoker. They were different here than in the UK, he said. You always knew they were down for it. His words.
“What’s that make it? Fourteen, fifteen? Not bad for a twenty-something, eh?”
Sean turned back to the bar and gulped at his beer. Nick eyed the smoker again and turned back.
“What about you, eh? What’s the magic number?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? What, do you not recollect or are you just being your shy self?’
“I don’t know.”
“Alright, I’ll yank this out of you if I have to ask your Jockies what they know.” He drank the rest of his beer and slammed the glass down. The bartender looked over and sighed. She moved to poor him another beer. Maybe Nick was right, she might go home with him. For what reason, I don’t know, but they always do.
“Okay, when’d you lose it?”
“Freshman year in college.”
“Damn, getting a late start, are we?”
“Yeah.”
“Who was she?”
“My girlfriend at the time.”
“Name?”
“Joselyn.”
“Joselyn?” Nick asked. “Gorgeous name. I could have sex with just that name.”
“Yeah.”
“Alright, next?”
“Next what?” Sean asked.
“Next girl.”
“Oh, Margret.”
“Horrible name, that. Margret. It’s like Helga or Marge. Is Marge short for Margret?”
“I don’t know. It could be.”
“How can you shorten a name and make it just as bad as the actual name? Isn’t that what shortening is for?”
“I guess.”
The bartender slid a beer at Nick and he winked at her. She hid a smile.
“Got it,” he said.
Sean didn't know how he did it. He just did.
“Alright, Marge, was it? When was this?”
Sean hesitated. “Sophomore year.”
“Sophomore year? One girl for a whole year? My god, what an iron will you must have. Or some kind of deficiency in you sex drive because that’s just ghastly.”
“Yeah.”
“Alright, your Holiness was there anyone else or have you taken a vow of chastity since?”
“No, there’s more.”
“Yeah? Alright, let’s hear. What lucky lady has tapped the fountain of youth that is your loins?”
The woman sitting to the right of Nick gaped at him.
“What?” he said. He took a gulp of his beer. “Me and him are having a conversation.” He looked the woman up and down. She must have been fifteen or so years older than the both of them. “Your welcome to join, if you’d like.” The woman turned her back on him.
“Alright, missing out, that one.” He gulped again at his beer. It was half empty.
“N-Nancy,” Sean said.
“Nancy. Sounds like a cleaning lady. No idea why it does, it just does. Was she a cleaning lady?”
“No, she was in my class.”
“How do you know she wasn’t a cleaning lady?”
“I don’t, I guess.”
“There you go. She will hence-forth be known as Nancy, the cleaning lady. When was this?”
“I don’t know. I was still in college.”
“Still at college, after Marge. Alright. How come you aren’t drinking? You’ve been nursing that thing for far too long, drink up. Be merry.”
Sean eyed the beer. His was full, Nick’s was half there. He took a drink, one that Nick would scoff at but that was okay. Drinking wasn’t a sport to him. To Nick, it was. That was the thing, to him, drinking was a competition of sorts. He said it was like that with him and his buddies back in England.
Sean hadn’t drank much before Nick moved in with him. Actually, he had only gotten very drunk once. After Nick moved in, he lost his ID three times, his pants once, and his dignity with fair regularity.
“Regale me more. Are their more maidens in your court?” Nick asked. He downed the rest of his beer.
“Sure. One was Carol.”
“Carol? Was she your mum? What a name, Carol. It’s like she had a different name up until she started driving a minivan around, and then it just changed to Carol. Like the government knows when someone buys a minivan and automatically changes that person’s name to Carol. Even a bloke.”
“Yeah,” Sean said. He took another drink, this one bigger.
“So, Carol. What was she like?”
“What was she like?”
“Yeah, in the sack. Was she adequate?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s like a football match with you. Back and forth and struggle. I have to work so hard to get you to say anything.”
“Yeah, bad name, I guess.”
“Haven’t you always wanted a title, like the people who lived before Jesus?”
“What do you mean?” Sean took a drink.
“Like ‘Krogdor the Destroyer’ or ‘Ned the Stubby.”
“No, I can’t say I have.”
Nick shrugged and gulped down half his beer.
“You’re no fun.”
Sean drank the rest of his beer and slid the glass across the bar. “I’m gonna use the bathroom.”
“Don’t zip until it drips.”
Sean hopped off the barstool and stumbled down the small set of stairs. He headed towards the alcove marked “Restrooms”.
A woman passed him and took his eye. He turned on the spot and nearly fell over.
“Margret?”
The woman turned. She looked Sean up and down and squinted.
“Sean?”
“Yeah, it’s me. What are you doing here?”
“Sean, I live here.”
“Oh yeah.” Sean glanced at the bar and saw Nick talking with the bartender. He was within earshot.
“That’s cool. What are you doing nowadays?”
“Sean, are you alright?”
“I’m good. You doing good? It’s been a long time.”
“Maybe I should get you a cab. You can call me in the morning and we’ll talk.”
“What? No, I’m fine.” He glanced again at the bar. Nick was watching him. He checked out Margret from the back and gave the thumbs up.
“Listen, I’m…I’m here with someone,” she said.
“Friends?” he asked.
She shook her head and suddenly found her pumps very interesting.
“Oh.”
“Sean, I just thought it would be good for me. We were together for years and each of us had only dated one person before us. I know it hasn’t been that long since we broke up but, please don’t judge me.”
She turned to walk away. “And get home safe, please.” She walked away and sat with a guy near the door. He looked tall and muscular. Sean stood there in that spot for a while, just pondering. Nick had turned to talk to the bartender again. Sean finally went and used the restroom. When he came back to the bar, there was a new bartender and a note on the bar next to his seat.
On it was scrawled: Took bartender home, told ya so. You better get with that girl or I’ll knock you in the Johnson.
Sean crunched up the note.
“Excuse me,” he said to the bartender, “is there a trashcan back there?”
She nodded. He handed her the paper and she threw it away. He asked for a beer and she started filling a glass with beer.
“Hey,” he asked, “can your name be Nancy?”
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